Start Here
- Your wedding day is YOUR wedding day. Be sure to choose the right people to stand up with you on your special day - not just who your Great Aunt Trudy thinks should be there.
- Wedding attendant membership is not transactional - just because your cousin Claire had you at her wedding does not mean you have to have her in yours.
- Consider having multiple best men, maids of honor, or even matrons of honor.
- Be honest but not cruel.
- To soothe the burn of rejection, maybe offer them another role in the wedding like usher, poem or verse reader, give a speech, musician, etc.
Empathy moment from a friend of 12 years turned over for the sister: “I am disappointed because I have been assembling and practicing the Maid of Honor toast in my head for the last 8 years and I was told only two speeches would be given at the reception…”
This interaction should be done in person for the best results.
Talking Points
- <Name>, I have been dreading to tell you for fear of hurting your feelings, but I am unable to ask you to be my <Maid of Honor/ Best Man/Bridesmaid / Groomsman>.
- I know you will likely be very disappointed and possibly hurt by this and I’m so sorry for that.
- You are so important to me. I cherish our <friendship/relationship> deeply, and so please know that this decision is absolutely not a reflection of how I or <Name> feel about you.
- <Give your reason>
- Because you’re so dear to me, I’m hoping you could be <possible role for them> at the wedding.
- This was such a hard decision because you are so important to me but we really wanted an even number of bridesmaids and groomsmen and that meant I had to exclude some people that I really love and care about.
Common reasons/explanations
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Someone Else to Fill the Role
- If I didn’t have a sister/cousin/older friend, you know that you would have been up there with me!
- You may not carry the title on the day, but you are my best friend OR one of my best friends.
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Small Wedding
- <Name> and I are having a small wedding because we want to save up for a first house/our honeymoon/our future.
- We really wanted an even number of bridesmaids and groomsmen and that meant we couldn’t include all the people that I really love and care about.
- We want the intimacy of a small wedding.
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No Maid of Honor/Best Man/Bridesmaids
- We decided to not have “levels” of wedding attendants because we love all of our friends equally.
- We found it impossible to choose our “favorite friends” so we’re finding other ways to celebrate with everyone.
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She is Going to Be Pregnant and You Don’t Want Her Belly in Your Wedding Photos
Dude. Listen, you shouldn’t bring up her pregnancy. That kind of honesty could end a friendship. Her belly will be beautiful in your photos.
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