“Maybe that’s what you heard in your head, but it’s not what I said.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“It’s not a big deal.”
See also
Start Here
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What does gaslighting feel like? (Source: The Psychology Group)
- Constantly feeling confused or like you’re going crazy
- Frequently doubting yourself (e.g. “am I too emotional?” “did this actually happen?”)
- Having difficulty trusting yourself and other people
- Constantly assuming you did something wrong (feeling it’s always your fault or that you’re to blame)
- Feeling the need to apologize (leading to over apologizing)
- Making excuses for other people’s actions (or rationalizing why they did something that hurt you)
- Feeling like you have to prove everything
- Feeling like you constantly have to back up your reasoning/views of things with an abundance of facts
- Sensing something is wrong, but feeling like you’re not able to “put your finger on it”
- Regularly feeling misunderstood and alone
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What does gaslighting sound like? (Source: The Psychology Group)
- “You’re so dramatic”
- “You’re too sensitive”
- “You’re too emotional”
- “You’re imagining things”
- “You know you sound insane right now, right?”
- “You’re always making stuff up”
- “You’re making a big deal out of nothing, like always”
- “Nothing you’re saying makes sense, do you even hear yourself?”
- “You’re being paranoid”
- “You’re acting crazy” or “you’re overreacting”
- “I was joking! You take everything personally”
- “That never even happened.” “This is what happened…” or “this is what I said…”
- “Why should I believe you? Everyone knows you’re full of it”
- “You’re not thinking clearly”
- “You’re making yourself the victim when I’m the one who should be mad”
Talking Points
- We remember things differently.
- If you continue to speak to me like this, I’m not engaging.
- I realize you disagree with me, and this is how I see the things: <describe concisely your side of the story>
- I understand that your intention was to make a joke, and the impact was hurtful
- You don’t get to decide how I feel or if I was hurt.
- This is my experience and these are my emotions.
- I know what’s best for me.
- This is what I want and what I need right now.
- This is my decision to make.
- I’m struggling to stay in this conversation, I’ve already said “no” several times.
- I don’t like how much energy I’m putting into proving my perspective and it would mean a lot to me if you gave me the benefit of the doubt.
- I feel like you’re not validating my right to an opinion/my perspective.
- I know my truth, and I’m not going to debate you.
- We will just have to agree to disagree.
- I hear you, but that wasn’t my experience.
- You and I don’t see things the same way.
- We can debate about the solution, but I’m not open to debating my feelings or the right to my feelings.
- The way I feel is not up for debate.
- We clearly see things differently. Let’s agree to disagree.
- I’ve heard your point of view many times and I still don’t agree with it.
- I hear your concerns but I’m okay with making this choice.
- I know you feel strongly, but I hope you can see that my feelings are valid too.
- I don’t appreciate you saying <what they said that offended you.>
- My emotions are valid and I believe I have expressed them clearly and respectfully.
- Can you be more specific with your details? Words like “always” or “never” are a little vague and it would be helpful to have more actionable detail.
- We are discussing what hurt me, not my reaction. We can discuss my reaction at another time.
- Just because I perceived things differently from you doesn’t make me crazy or wrong.
