Why do we communicate what is untrue?

Excerpt from Dr. Emerson Eggerichs book, “Before You Hit Send”:

• THE FEARFUL: Honestly, I dread the consequences over past missteps, so I cover them up.
• THE SELFISH: What can I say? Lying works to my advantage, advancing my agenda.
• THE EVASIVE: If others don't know what I did wrong, there'll be fewer problems all around.
• THE PRIDEFUL: I need to look better than I am so others will feel good about me and like me.
• THE EXPEDIENT: I lie since it is quicker and easier for me at the moment.
• THE EMOTIONAL: If it feels true, I say it. I don't need all the facts when I feel I'm right.
• THE INATTENTIVE: I didn't know that what I said was inaccurate; everyone makes mistakes.
• THE FLATTERER: I want to be truthful plus tactful, but insincere praise works better for me.
• THE SELF-DELUDED: Some claim I lie to myself. But that's a lie. I'm 100 percent honest with myself.
• THE CHAMELEON: To duck conflict, I bend my beliefs to fit my audience, which pleases them.
• THE ENTRAPPED: It's not my fault. I was lured into swearing secrecy and facilitated a lie.
• THE PROTECTOR: I feel responsible to protect another's interests even if I have to lie to do so.
• THE CHRONIC: I've always lied even when the truth was better. Something comes over me.
• THE COPYCAT: I'm not really interested in lying, but everybody else lies, so I do too.
• THE PERPETUATOR: I lie to stay out ahead of other lies I have told; sadly, lies beget lies.
• THE ASHAMED: I'm a bit humiliated over the bad stuff I've done, so I lie to appear good.
• THE OATH-MAKER: I admit, when hedging, I swear to God so others believe what I'm saying.
• THE BRAINY: I'm smart, retaining both the lies and truth. It's easy to get away with lying.
• THE WORDSMITH: I find it easy and fun to twist words, using double meanings that mislead.
• THE SELF-AMUSER: Frankly, I view tricking others as an exciting and entertaining game.

How to reply to these rational lies

• TO THE FEARFUL ("Honestly, I dread the consequences over past missteps, so I cover them up."), say, "I need you to be courageous no matter the consequences. When fear causes you to withhold truth, I need you to bravely declare, 'I can handle the truth!'"
• TO THE SELFISH ("What can I say? Lying works to my advantage, advancing my agenda."), say, "I need mutual respect here. When you lie to serve yourself, I feel used and useless as a human being. I matter, too, and must live with myself, as well as with you."
• TO THE EVASIVE ("If others don't know what I did wrong, there'll be fewer problems all around."), say, "I need your total transparency. When you evade my questions, I'm suspicious. I suspect a coverup when you avoid me, saying, 'I don't know’ or ‘I plead the fifth.’"
• TO THE PRIDEFUL ("I need to look better than I am so others will feel good about me and like me."), say, "I need you to be you. You may not like who you are, but I do. However, I cannot have a relationship with someone who isn't humbly honest about who they are."
• TO EXPEDIENT (”I lie since it is quicker and easier for me at the moment."), say, “I need you to resist the convenience of lying. Today you may get by with a lie, but next month you must remember it exactly to do damage control. That's long, hard work.”
• TO THE EMOTIONAL ("If it feels true, I say it. I don't need all the facts when I feel I'm right."), say, "I need you to stop making assumptions based only on feelings, Your feelings are real, but that does not necessarily make them right. You need facts to back your feelings"
• TO THE INATTENTIVE ("I didn't know that what I said was inaccurate, everyone makes mistakes."), say, "I need your integrity but also accuracy. Your heart is in the right place. But I need you to be more careful about making, fewer slip-ups; that extra effort will pay off."
• TO THE FLATTERER ("I want to be truthful plus tactful, but insincere praise works better for me"), say, "I need your affirmation. I really do. But I do not need your false flattery. Your lie discredits you and hurts me, I need honesty spoken lovingly and respectfully."
• TO THE SELF-DELUDED ("Some claim I lie to myself. But that's a lie. I'm 100 percent honest with myself."), say, "I need you to stop believing what is false is true and what is true is false. Facing the facts is hard. None of us enjoys seeing our shortcomings, but it is necessary for success."
• TO THE CHAMELEON ("To duck conflict, I bend my beliefs to fit my audience, which pleases them."), say, "I need you to see how you lose your identity by blending in like a chameleon with every belief. Not only does this lessen your credibility, but you have no core convictions. True?"
• TO THE ENTRAPPED ("It's not my fault. I was lured into swearing secrecy and facilitated a lie."), say, "Don't let your integrity cause you to promise to keep secret another's lack of integrity! What a contradiction! They are taking advantage of you. This is a losing game for you."
• TO THE PROTECTOR ("I feel responsible to protect another's interests even if I have to lie to do so."), say, "I need you to be protective. But don't protect another by lying. You're not doing anyone a favor by lying to them. That's not a virtue; it's enablement."
• TO THE CHRONIC ("I've always lied even when the truth was better. Something comes over me."), say, "I agree that you lie when you don't need to. Lying seems ingrained to you. What will motivate you to change? Let's think it through together and come up with a different plan."
• TO THE COPYCAT ("T'm not really interested in lying, but everybody else lies, so I do too."), say, "Remember your mother's advice: 'If someone jumps off a cliff, don't you jump off a cliff? This is not about other people. This is about you. You need not mimic others and thereby compromise your integrity. Don't shift the responsibility off of yourself."
• TO THE PERPETUATOR ("I lie to stay out ahead of other lies I have told; sadly, lies beget lies."), say, "I need you to tell the truth up front. Then you won't have to lie about lying. You'll be so much happier when you don't have to worry about keeping up with what you've said."
• TO THE ASHAMED ("I'm a bit humiliated over the bad stuff I've done, so I lie to appear good."), say, "You can lie about your immorality and appear moral. But you can't feel moral by your lying. You can't remove shame with a lie. Actually, you increase the sense of shame."
• TO THE OATH-MAKER ("I admit, when hedging, I swear to God so others believe what I'm saying."), say, "I need you to see that even though you say, 'Honest to God,' you haven't been. You lie by using the phrase 'honest to God. ' You swear by heaven to lie. That's just a very bad idea."
• TO THE BRAINY ("I'm smart, retaining both the lies and truth. It's easy to get away with lying."), say, "Only a pure genius can recall all lies and all truths. You and I will forget. And even if you're a genius who can remember it all, you're still lying. Telling the truth is so much smarter."
• TO THE WORDSMITH ("I find it easy and fun to twist words, using double meanings that mislead."), say, "You're great with words, but I need you to figure out why you try to mislead others with them. You have plenty to be proud of without exaggerating and tricking people with double meanings."
• TO THE SELF-AMUSER ("Frankly, I view tricking others as an exciting and entertaining game."), say, "Lying just to see if you can get away with it is a cruel game. Why do you think you do that? Are you bored? Is there some group you're trying to impress with how smart you are in fooling others?"

Why should we be truthful?

“Honesty doesn’t always pay, but dishonesty always costs.” - Michael Josephson