How to Set Boundaries

Your freedom is more important than their anger.

“Boundaries are the edge territory of what belongs to us and what belongs to someone else. They are the ways we communicate our needs. They are what allow us to feel safe among strangers, in everyday interactions, and in our closest relationships.”

“Boundaries aren’t just the hard nos, they are also the maybes and the yesses-with-limits.”

— Dr. Faith G. Harper, Unf*ck Your Boundaries

Start Here

Good for you, setting boundaries! It’s a necessary part of every relationship.

• Note: Boundaries change over time because we (and our relationships) change over time. That’s why there isn’t a one-size-fits-all template for setting boundaries.

• This guide is intended to help you find the right words to draw and defend your boundaries, but you must decide when and with whom to employ them.

• You do not always need to justify your boundary. If you have a boundary, you don’t need to justify your self-advocacy (no explanation needed). Example: “I’d give you my car but once I let someone borrow it and they crashed it and…”

• Drawing boundaries may be uncomfortable. You don’t need to protect people from feeling uncomfortable or feel obliged to smooth the tension. It’s okay for people to feel bad and weird when they’ve crossed someone’s boundary.

Talking Points

If there was a delay between the behavior and your response, try this talking point: “Hi <Name>, I realized that I didn’t tell you about something that bothered me recently, but I want to talk to you about it now.”

• I feel <describe how you feel> when you <describe behavior>. What I want/need is <describe the behavior you expect going forward>.

  • Example: “I think it’s gross when you drink from my water bottle. Please leave my water bottle alone.”

• I’m learning to trust myself. So I’d like to decide without input from others.

• If you continue to speak to me like this, I won’t engage you.

• I’m not okay with your actions, and I don’t want to be in that position again.

• When you said, “<what they said>,” it was hurtful/made me uncomfortable.

• If you continue to not hear me, I’ll move forward and do what’s best for me.

• I’m not changing my boundary.

• I’ve made my decision. This is non-negotiable.

• <X> is a strong boundary that I’m not comfortable crossing, but <Y> is something I might change my mind about, so let’s talk about it more.

• I don’t agree with you on this, but I respect that you have your feelings and opinions.

• I need you to listen without interrupting me.

• I need time to myself. It’s not a reflection about how I feel about you or us, I just need downtime.

• If I bring up an issue with you, that is not the time for you to bring up any grievances you have with me. You had time and opportunity just like me but you chose not to, now is your time to listen and not deflect. I’ll be happy to discuss your grievances after we resolve this issue first.

• I’m feeling disappointed and caught off guard with how our last conversation went. I’m hoping you can help me understand.

• When you said/did <x>, it made me feel <y>.

• You crossed a boundary and that’s not okay.

• While I know you would never intentionally hurt me, I want to clear the air so we’re both calm and we can both feel heard.

• I love spending time with you, but right now I need some time alone to recharge.

• When you <action>, I feel disrespected.

• I would appreciate it if you didn’t <action> anymore.

• Let’s agree to disagree.

• I understand you’re angry but do not speak to me that way.