How to Talk to Your Kid About Comparing Themselves to Others

My shoes aren't as cool as Taylor's.

It’s a fact of the human condition to compare ourselves to others. What do you do when your kid starts exhibiting signs of jealousy and insecurity because of comparisons with his or her peers? Heck, this topic is tricky even with a fully adult brain!

Start Here

• Create a Safe Space:

  • Start when your child is comfortable, like during a walk, at bedtime, or over a meal.

  • Avoid making it seem like a lecture; aim for a gentle conversation.

• Use Personal Stories:

  • Share times when you felt trapped by comparison yourself.

  • Highlight what you learned and how you overcame it.

• Focus on Individual Growth: Reinforce that everyone’s journey is unique, and comparing with others steals the joy from their progress.

• Introduce Positive Comparisons: Shift the focus to healthy self-comparisons. For example, "Are you better at something today than yesterday?"

• Talk About the Difference Between Healthy and Toxic Envy:

  • Healthy Envy: Sparks inspiration, nudging you to grow and chase your goals while genuinely appreciating what others have.

  • Toxic Envy: Feels heavy, pulling you into comparisons and resentment, making it hard to celebrate others and enjoy your own path.

Talking Points

• Let's talk while we walk. It’s nice to chat without any pressure.

• I noticed you seem a little down lately—do you want to talk about what’s on your mind?

• How are you feeling today? I’m always here to listen whenever you need me.

• You can always tell me how you feel, and I won’t judge.

• I remember a time when I kept comparing myself to others, and it made me feel stuck.

• There were moments I thought I wasn’t good enough because someone else seemed to have it all.

• What I realized is that everyone’s journey is different, and I was missing out on my own progress by focusing on others.

• Everyone is on their own path, and comparing yourself to others only makes you miss your own progress.

• There will ALWAYS be someone smarter, richer, happier, funnier, faster. Being the BEST at something isn’t really possible. Think about Einstein. Smartest dude ever, right? But then you look at a fella like Adragon De Mello who had a projected IQ of 400!

• You’re not in competition with anyone. Focus on being a little better than you were yesterday.

• The only person you need to compare yourself with is yourself. What did you learn or improve on today?

• Let’s think about how far you’ve come. What’s something you’ve gotten better at lately?

• It’s not about being the best at everything but being better than you were before.

• Instead of asking if you’re as good as someone else, try asking if you’re proud of the progress you made today.

• It’s okay to feel a little envious if it inspires you to grow and set new goals.

• Healthy envy helps you think, That’s something I’d love to work toward myself.

• Toxic envy, on the other hand, makes you feel like you’re not good enough, even when you’re doing your best.

• If you find it hard to be happy for others or enjoy your own progress, that might be toxic envy sneaking in.

• It’s okay to feel frustrated when it seems like others are doing better than you. Everyone feels that way sometimes.

• I get that it’s hard not to compare yourself to others. Even adults struggle with that. I struggle with this, too.

• You’re not alone—feeling this way doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you.

• Congratulations, you are part of the human race, and we’ve been wrestling with it since the beginning of time. This is totally normal.

• Instead of thinking, Why can’t I be like them? try asking, What can I learn from them?

• Just because someone else is doing well doesn’t take away from your own achievements.

• What if, instead of comparing, we focused on what makes you unique?

• What’s something you did today that made you proud?

• Let’s celebrate the things that make you special. What’s one of your unique strengths?

• I love seeing how much you’ve grown. Can you see it too?

• Let’s try focusing on what makes you unique and wonderful, instead of how you compare to others.

Explaining the Reality of Social Media

• What you see on social media is only a small part of someone’s life—their highlights, not the full story.

• Everyone struggles with things, even if they don’t show it online.

• What we see online is often edited and filtered, and it doesn’t always show the truth. Even influencers face challenges they don't share.

• Remember, just because someone looks happy on Instagram doesn’t mean they don’t have bad days, too.

• It’s okay if you sometimes feel sad or left out when you see other people’s posts. Those feelings are normal.

• Social media can make us think that everyone else is happier, more successful, or having more fun than we are. But remember, you’re seeing only a small piece of their lives.

• When we compare ourselves to others online, it can make us feel like we aren’t enough. But that’s not true—you are enough just the way you are.

• Follow people and accounts that inspire you, not ones that make you feel like you need to change who you are.

• Social media often makes it seem like everyone is having more fun or achieving more than they really are. Do you ever feel that way?

• Seeing someone else’s success online doesn’t mean you’re failing. Everyone moves at their own pace, and it’s okay to be exactly where you are right now.

• If it feels like you’re constantly comparing yourself to what others post, it might help to focus on what you are grateful for in your own life.