How to Tell Someone You're Angry

I'm upset right now and need a minute.

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• Don’t say, “I’m fine,” if you’re not.

• You can’t process emotions you’re pretending don’t exist.

• If you’re mad, that’s okay. Anger is a perfectly acceptable emotion - it’s what you do with your feelings that matters.

• If someone upset you and you need to tell them, use the following talking points. But remember, you don’t always need to tell them.

Talking Points - I’m Mad

• I’m mad.

• I’m angry.

• I’m upset.

• I’m furious.

• I don’t want to hold this in because I care about our relationship.

• When you <behavior that upset you>, that made me feel <how it made you feel>.

• When you <specific behavior>, I felt <specific emotion>.

• This is difficult for me to say, but I feel disrespected by what happened.

• I know you may not have meant it, but what you said/did really stung.

• I understand that you didn’t think it would be a big deal, but I need you to understand how I feel right now.

• I love you, but I’m hurt by what happened.

• I’m hurting, but I still love you.

• I’m really upset by what happened and I want to talk to you about it.

• <Name>, I think we need to clear the air. Will you let me know when you’re up for it?

• What is your preferred location and time to have a much-needed, albeit tense, unpleasant, and emotional conversation?

• Listen, I’m still really upset about what happened. It’s going to be okay, but I still want to resolve it with you. Can you talk?

Talking Points - I Need Reassurance or Support

• I feel uncertain about where we stand right now. Can we talk about it?

• I need some clarity about <situation/incident>.

• Could you help me understand what you were thinking when <behavior occurred>?

• I’m feeling vulnerable about this, and I would appreciate some reassurance.

• Can you help me understand why this happened?

• I want us to be okay. Let’s figure this out together.

Talking Points - I Need Space/Time to Think

• Can we talk about this later after I’ve had time to gather my thoughts?

• I don’t have the energy to respond to you right now. I will respond when I can.

• I need space right now and will reach out when I’m ready.

• I need to calm down before we continue this conversation.

• Let’s continue this conversation when we’ve both had time to process.

• Let’s take a step back and approach this when we’re both calm.

• I think we can resolve this without getting into a bigger argument.

• I want to focus on the issue and not on attacking each other.

• Can we agree to talk about this when we’ve had some time to cool off?

• Let’s stick to this one topic and not bring up past grievances.

• I want to work through this, not hurt each other further.

The Hard-to-Swallow Truth About Anger

Here’s the thing: just because someone made you mad doesn’t mean you need to grab your megaphone and let them know. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for your own peace is let it go.

Think about it this way: is this going to matter in five minutes, five hours, or five days? If the answer is no, then save your energy. Life’s too short to chase every grievance like it’s the last sale at a department store.

Now, here’s the kicker, friend: no one can make you feel anything without your permission.

That’s not easy to hear, but it’s the truth. When someone says or does something that upsets you, they are handing you anger on a silver platter—it’s your choice to pick it up and hold it close. You have the power to set it down, walk away, and feel lighter for it.

How to Decide Whether to Speak Up or Let It Go

Ask yourself a few questions before reacting:

1. Is this a pattern or a one-time thing? If they always do it, a conversation might be overdue. If it’s a one-off, they might not even realize they upset you.

2. Does this hurt your relationship in a significant way? If the answer is no, maybe it’s not worth the drama.

3. Am I upset about their action, or am I projecting something else onto them? Sometimes we’re carrying hurt from another situation, and it spills over unfairly.

4. Will speaking up solve the issue, or will it just make me feel better temporarily? Some conversations only escalate things without providing resolution.

When to Let It Go

Forgiving doesn’t mean condoning. Letting it go doesn’t mean you’re saying what they did was okay; it means you value your peace more than holding onto the anger.

• Practice saying, “Not today, anger. You don’t get to ruin my joy.”

• Remind yourself that everyone has bad days, just like you do. Maybe they didn’t mean to upset you.

• Focus on what you can control: your reactions, your perspective, and your happiness.

• Journal it out or vent to a trusted friend if you need to get it off your chest. You don’t have to carry it alone.

“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got.” —Robert Brault

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