Surviving the Holidays
A Comfort Guide for Those Navigating Grief This Holiday
The holidays are supposed to be all about joy and family gatherings, but let's face it: if you've lost someone this year, that empty chair at the table can turn the whole season into something you'd rather fast-forward through.
Use the following guide if you are (or someone you love is) navigating loss this holiday. I hope it brings you at least a small measure of comfort. My heart is on you, my friend.
Dealing with Your Emotions
It’s natural to ask yourself: Is what I’m feeling normal? Grief can be so overwhelming. Most people don’t know that emotional pain is felt in the same part of the brain as physical pain. Our brains don’t differentiate between the two.
Grappling with grief on a regular day can be hard, much less during the holiday season when expectations seem to be high to the point of impossibility.
This is my first second holiday without my mom. Last Thanksgiving was the first. Let me tell you... I do not give a flying F about ‘em anymore. I used to be festive AF. I don't want to deal with this shit. I haven't cried yet today, but I feel like a zombie. I'm drained. I made her favorite dish to take to my MIL's house. I just miss her so much. I'm very grateful my in laws are such beautiful people, but I really don't want to holiday anymore...
—Reddit User, MarleyRae
Start Here
Recognize that the holidays will be hard.
Set realistic expectations. Knowing it will be hard and preparing to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually drained can help you make decisions and plans to be compassionate and gentle with yourself during this difficult season.
Avoid numbing the pain. Alcohol, drugs, and endless loops of Netflix shows offer a hollow respite from your grief, and you can’t hide from it forever. The best way out is through.
Be patient with yourself. It’s okay to feel the way you’re feeling. Grief is a natural process. It hurts, it kicks butt, it seems to go on forever, but the fog of grief will lift, my friend. You will find out you can survive by surviving.
Strategies for Navigating Grief in the Holidays
As they say, “luck favors the prepared.” Use the following coping strategies to help you prepare for the likely grief ambushes of the season.
Think ahead. Before attending a holiday event, mentally prepare yourself for potential grief ambushes. Example: Maybe your loved one used to make the pumpkin pie each year. Prepare yourself for how you might feel and handle seeing a pumpkin pie, which may trigger you.
Keep a journal. As you mentally prepare yourself, consider writing your thoughts and feelings down in a journal. This can help slow down your thinking process and help you consider new and different perspectives. Potential prompts:
What will you miss most about having your loved one with you this holiday season?
What holiday traditions, foods, and songs may trigger you?
What helpful self-soothing or comforting activities can help you in those times?
How has losing your loved one affected who you will see this holiday season?
Write a grief letter. It sounds cheesy, but it works. Write down your feelings and worries about this holiday season and share the letter with your close friends and family. This can help them understand where you are in your grieving process, what to expect (and not expect) from you, and how they might best support you during the holiday.
Have a Plan
As they say, “luck favors the prepared.” Have a solid plan for how you will spend the holidays. You may not have the capacity to do a lot and see all your friends and family, and that’s okay. Make that your plan. Having a plan will help you from getting overwhelmed with last-minute decisions and emotions during the season. It might help to involve your friends and family in planning, too. Next year, you may have a different plan. Focus on this year. If something you try this year doesn’t work— you can change it next year.
Your plan should address the following:
What and how much you will do.
Where you will spend the holidays and with whom.
Which traditions you will continue to observe without your loved one.
How you will take care of yourself when you get hit by a grief ambush.
Who you can call when you need an understanding friend.
A word of advice: Simple is better. You cannot do everything this holiday. Please be compassionate with yourself during this time. Taking care of yourself is the best gift you can give yourself and your loved ones this holiday. How you talk to yourself matters.
Holiday Planning Checklist:
Consider a simple holiday checklist that respects where you are emotionally. These are just ideas. Choose what feels right for you":
Consider a small, easy-to-manage tree or a few branches in a vase instead of a large tree.
If cooking feels overwhelming, select one comforting dish rather than a whole spread.
Allow yourself to buy prepared foods if that lifts a burden.
Instead of large gatherings, think about meeting one or two people who support you.
If sending cards is too much, send a simple group message or skip it this year.
Pick a holiday movie you love and watch it when you feel ready.
Allow gentle changes to traditions, like lighting a candle in memory rather than decorating every room.
Consider sharing simple stories or memories with close friends or family.
Try giving donations to a cause you care about instead of shopping for many gifts.
Let yourself rest. Quiet time can be its own form of celebration.
Your choices matter. Let yourself shape the holidays in more gentle and supportive ways this year. Don’t forget that you are loved. Your friends and family want to help you. Be direct, and don’t be afraid to ask them for help.
Survive the Dreaded Holiday Party
Social events can feel like a minefield when grieving. Consider the following:
Where are you on your grief journey?
How do you feel when you go to work or other social situations? How do you respond?
Who will be at the event? Close friends or strangers?
What activities will be there? Lots of socializing or simply watching a movie?
Isolation vs. Solitude
When you are grieving, it helps to understand that isolation and solitude feel different. Isolation often feels like being cut off or stuck. It may feel forced, heavy, and cold. Solitude usually feels calmer, quieter, and more like a decision you made to give yourself breathing room.
If you feel uncertain about attending a holiday gathering, ask yourself if it feels more like isolation or solitude. If it feels like isolation, it may feel pressured. In that case, it might help to find something that feels simpler, like meeting one or two close friends rather than attending a large party.
There are no rules saying you must join every event. If a certain gathering feels draining, consider a different activity. A smaller, low-pressure meal, a quiet walk, or even staying home with a comforting movie might feel better. The aim is to choose experiences that support you. As you move through these decisions, remember that your feelings matter. You can step back from anything that feels too heavy and ease into what brings a gentle sense of calm.
Ask yourself:
What feelings are situations cause you to want to isolate?
Who are your “safe people” who make you feel heard, loved, and understood?
What would happen if you reached out to your safe people instead of isolating?
Responding to Invitations
Respond to invitations this holiday with the following:
Honest. Be honest about where you are emotionally. Don’t make decisions based on another’s expectations. Don’t be afraid of disappointing anyone. Your feelings matter most during this time.
A Request for Flexibility. Grief comes in waves. Some days, you’re on top of the world, other days, it’s on top of you. Ask the host if you can give him or her a last-minute RSVP to give yourself a little breathing room without the pressure of a full commitment. Most people will understand. (And don’t worry about those who do).
“Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter.” —Dr. Seuss
Talking Points When Responding to Invitations
Thank you for inviting me. I want to be honest—I’m not sure how I’ll feel that day.
I’d love to come, but grief has been unpredictable. Would it be okay if I let you know closer to the day?
Thank you for including me. Can I leave the RSVP open for now and see how I’m feeling?
I want to join, but I might need to take it one moment at a time. Would it be alright if I play it by ear?
I appreciate the invitation. Could I have a bit of time to think it over? If you don’t hear back, feel free to remind me—I’m juggling a lot right now.
I’d love to come for a short visit, though I might not stay the whole time. Let’s see how it goes on the day.
Thank you for inviting me. This year feels a bit overwhelming for me to attend, but I hope to join in the future.
I’m so grateful you thought of me. I’m just not sure if I’m ready for gatherings yet.
I really appreciate the invitation, but I may need some space this year.
Remembering and Honoring Your Loved One During the Holidays
Honoring your loved one during the holidays can comfort you and others. It can help you find healing as you celebrate their special place in your heart. See below for a few suggestions on how to honor them this holiday:
Create a Memory Ornament: Design a holiday ornament that includes a photo, name, or special memory.
Set a Place at the Table: Reserve a spot in their honor during meals or gatherings.
Light a Candle: Light a candle in memory of them and share a favorite story or moment.
Cook Their Favorite Dish: Prepare and serve a meal or treat they loved.
Donate in Their Name: Give to a charity or cause that was meaningful to them.
Display Photos or Mementos: Create a small area with photos or items that remind you of them.
Visit a Special Place: Spend time in a location they enjoyed or that holds significance.
Share Stories: Gather family and friends to share favorite memories or stories about them.
Write Them a Letter: Express your feelings, update them on your life, or just talk to them in a heartfelt letter.
Play Their Favorite Songs: Listen to music they loved during gatherings or quiet moments.
Incorporate Their Traditions: Continue or adapt a holiday tradition they cherished.
Create a Memory Jar: Encourage family and friends to write down memories, then read them together.
Participate in a Service Activity: Volunteer in a way that reflects their values or passions.
Plant a Tree or Flower: Dedicate a living tribute that can grow and thrive in their memory.
Include Them in Prayer: Offer prayers or moments of reflection for them during holiday observances.
Wear or Use Something of Theirs: Incorporate an item they cherished, like jewelry or a scarf, into your outfit or decor.
How to Answer “How Are You?” When You’re Grieving
It’s amazing how difficult those three words can be when all you want to say is “terrible!” You don’t want to lie to people but not everyone is entitled to your full truth of pain and heartache. Being prepared to answer this question will help you navigate these tricky social situations with poise and peace. Don’t get caught off guard by the inevitable.
Here are a few simple talking points to help you respond to this question and other common inquiries when you’re in full grief mode:
“How Are You?”
I’m hanging in there, thanks for asking.
It’s a tough time, but I’m getting through.
Taking things one day at a time.
I appreciate you asking. It’s been hard, but I’m managing.
I’m feeling the loss, but I have support, and that helps.
Some days are better than others. Today is a bit rough.
I’m not great, but I’m grateful for the people around me.
It’s been challenging, but I’m doing my best.
I’m coping. Thank you for asking.
It’s a mix of emotions, but I’m here.
Respond to Nosy Questions and/or Changing the Subject
I’m not ready to talk about that, but thank you for understanding.
It’s a bit personal, but I appreciate your concern.
I’d rather focus on something else right now—how have you been?
That’s a tough one for me. Can we talk about something lighter?
I appreciate you asking, but I’d rather keep that private for now.
Let’s save that conversation for another time. How’s work going?
I’m still processing things, but tell me about your holiday plans.
That’s something I’m keeping close to my heart right now.
I’m doing the best I can, but let’s talk about you—what’s new?
Thanks for asking, but I’m not ready to share. How’s your family?
See also:
A Word About Insensitive Comments
I lost my son, forever 20, and father last year. I feel it’s something that no one can understand nor do I expect them to. But some of my friends and family have said and done some insensitive things or act like nothing happened. I know they don’t have any ill intent but it’s upsetting to me. One of my friends invited me to her child’s college graduation celebration the same week as my son’s first year death day anniversary. Same friend also cried to me that her child will work out of state after graduation and she won’t be able to see them. —Still-Somewhere8969, Reddit User
When you’re grieving, it’s helpful to prepare yourself for the possibility of insensitive comments. People often mean well but may say things that unintentionally sting—either because they’ve never experienced a loss like yours or because their attempt to offer support misses the mark. Comments like “They’re in a better place,” or “At least you had so many good years together,” can feel dismissive of your pain. Others may struggle with what to say and end up saying nothing at all, which can feel isolating. Remind yourself that these missteps often come from ignorance, not malice. You don’t have to explain your feelings in the moment, but having a few gentle responses ready, such as “That’s hard for me to hear right now, but I know you mean well,” can help you protect your heart while preserving relationships.
Talking Points to Respond to Insensitive Comments
I know you mean well, but that’s a bit hard for me to hear right now.
I appreciate your intentions, but I’m not sure that applies to my situation.
That’s an interesting perspective, but this is very personal for me.
I know it’s hard to know what to say, and I appreciate your effort.
Thank you for trying to help—I’m just processing this differently.
That’s not quite what I need to hear, but thank you for your support.
I’m sure you mean to be kind, but that’s not very comforting right now.
I’m not in a place to talk about that, but I value your concern.
Grief is different for everyone, and this is how I’m feeling right now.
I appreciate you trying, but I’d rather focus on something else.
Additional Talking Points for Grief Through the Holidays
Setting Expectations with Loved Ones
I may not be in the mood to be cheered up, but your presence means so much. Sometimes, a quiet moment together is all I need.
I’d really enjoy spending time together, but maybe on a quieter day when we can truly connect. Are you free another time?
It helps when people talk about [Name]. Even if I get emotional, hearing their name means a lot to me.
There’s a chance I might cry—it’s part of the healing process, and it helps me work through my feelings.
Some traditions feel a bit overwhelming this year. I hope it’s okay if I sit this one out and join in another time.
If at a social gathering: If it’s okay, I might need a quiet place to step away if things feel overwhelming. Could you let me know where that might be?
If they try to set you up with someone before you’re ready: I know you want the best for me, but I’m focusing on my own healing right now. Setting me up with someone isn’t what I need at the moment.
Handling Gifts
If you’re not ready for gift exchanges: I appreciate the thought behind gifts, but I’m not up for participating in exchanges this year. Your kindness and support are the greatest gifts I could ask for.
If you receive an emotionally overwhelming gift: Thank you for this—it’s very meaningful to me. I might need a little time to process it, but please know I appreciate your thoughtfulness.
If you give a gift honoring your loved one: I wanted to share this with you in memory of [Name]. It’s a way to keep their spirit close and honor what they meant to us.
Asking for Support
The holidays are especially hard without [Name]. Would you mind spending some time with me or checking in occasionally?
I’m feeling a bit lonely this season. If you have time, I’d love to get together for coffee or a walk.
I’m leaning on my faith to get through this time. Sharing a verse or prayer about [Name] would mean a lot to me.
The holiday services feel heavier for me this year. I’d appreciate it if you could pray for peace and comfort for me and my family.
Expressing a Need for Solitude
I’m taking some quiet time for myself this holiday. It’s helping me reflect and recharge, but I truly appreciate your care.
I need to spend this season in quiet reflection instead of attending services. Thank you for understanding.
A Final Message from Talking Points for Life
I’m sorry you’re in pain. I’m sorry you are parted from your loved one. You will survive this. I know you’re in the fog of grief right now, and the future seems impossible. Like a car with headlights on driving on a moonless night, focus on the immediate things in front of you. You may not be able to see your home right now, but you will take the road little by little and find yourself healing.
You are loved. You matter. You are doing enough. You ARE enough.
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